not so effortless
by jadedly
Summary: it takes more than some people are willing to give in order to be stable.


**A/N:** what the hell is this even

I've been curious to explore a Sync and Anise dynamic, so I kind of vomited this out in about an hour. I wish something like it could have been explored in canon because then it would have been much better than a fanfic, but some things must be done by fans, I suppose.

I had _Your Biggest Mistake_ by Ellie Goulding on repeat while writing this, if you want something in the background, I guess.

* * *

Anise tries to think that what everyone has said to her is true; she tries to believe that she had no other choice, but in reality there is always a choice, and it's not beyond her to know as much. There was the option of letting her parents die, be tortured, perhaps worse, for the sake of the war prevention effort. The choice that wasn't selfish, the choice that she couldn't have made then and probably still can't make.

It takes a strong person to do what's right, no matter what, no matter who or what's at stake; Anise tries to think that she is strong, but she knows that she's not.

She hasn't cried in years and she certainly does _not_ intend to start now, thank you very much, because it would be entirely selfish of her and she's so sick of doing things to keep herself safe. It's not working, though; it's not working because the tears are still welling up in her eyes anyway, and God, isn't she the biggest idiot anyone's ever seen? Wasn't she the one who got so mad at Luke after Akzeriuth, when really, she had no right to at all? _Aren't you the one who killed Ion?_

There's something so crushing about being on Eldrant and pretending to be over it. Over it. Because she's not over it – in fact, she is so not over what happened that all she wants to do is cry and scream and perhaps throw a tantrum, but she's thirteen and she saved her parents and she's going to try and kill someone who is so strong she's not even sure of her chances, and tantrum-throwing is something people like her can't do.

Eldrant, Anise decides, is completely hideous and ought to be destroyed.

When the party crosses the spindly support systems into the heart of Eldrant, after Guy sees his family home replicated, after so many things are said, Anise still wonders if she really should have stayed behind. It's a ridiculous notion, she tells herself; against the Commandant, Luke and Tear would need all the help they could get, and maybe doing this would help her get Over It like she hasn't been able to do. Mt. Zaleho haunts her more often than not, images of Ion reading the Planet Score dancing behind her eyelids before she falls asleep every night. Better to be here and get closure, right?

Maybe. Or not. Who knows. She presses forward anyway.

And then he shows up, without his mask on, and her heart gives a wrench so powerful she almost begins sobbing right in front of everyone. It's only the last vestige of willpower that keeps her from doing just that.

There are words exchanged, taunts thrown, threats tossed around as easily from his mouth as they never could from Ion's. Never would. Everything is fuzzy in Anise's mind; when the battle begins, she's simply not prepared, Tokunaga grasped in her hands and not expanded to his larger size.

Sync – his name catches in her throat alongside Ion's, pain clouding over her words before she manages to snap her mouth shut and force fire into her eyes – sees this and takes the opportunity but she doesn't let him, jumping out of the way as Natalia fires an arrow and Tear sings a hymn.

She doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to do this, she doesn't, oh, she _doesn't want to do this_ but it needs to be done because Sync has made it clear that he gave up on being anything other than a replica so many times before and even if she could change his mind, make it so Ion doesn't die any more than he must, it wouldn't bring anyone the closure she's seeking.

It's better to kill him, right? Right?

This is another one of those damn choices, because of course it's not better to kill him, but she's already casting Bloody Howling, already throwing punches and strike artes, just like everyone else is. And he's making it clear that if she tries to stop, she'll end up dead, and even if Anise doesn't want to kill him, she can't afford to die herself. So she fights.

It's the hardest thing she's done since choosing her parents over her friends.

The fighting is interspersed with conversation, reasons why they have to fight, reasons why she will have to make sure she doesn't lose. Anise is weary of it, but is unwilling to give in, because that would mean Ion died for nothing at all and she can't handle having anything like that on her conscience.

When the inevitable comes, because Sync must have known he would be overwhelmed by numbers alone, right?, it's Anise who's left hurting the most, who's left with tears in her eyes as she stares down at the green hair tinted red with blood, the same blood that coats the stone beneath him where the God-General fell.

In another time, she might have tried to befriend him, too. She might have been able to help him find a reason to exist besides being someone's tool, but it's too late for that now. Later, she promises the dead boy at her feet, she'll come back, take his body to the cathedral in Daath. Give him a funeral. He doesn't deserve it, but she feels like it would be wrong to do anything else.

Maybe not a funeral. Maybe just a place that could be for him, not the Ion he was supposed to be. Not the Ion she'll never be able to bury.

When the party moves on, Anise sends one more glance over her shoulder at his body, tilts her chin upwards defiantly, and feels like she's a little more Over It.

It takes a different kind of strength to live with the lingering regret of your choices.


End file.
